detonation.

you are

the landmine

I keep stepping on-

until little pieces of me fly away.

Dangerous path.

The men roll up in tanks.

The men ahead dig you out.

They scope and scan, searching for any trace.

I follow behind.

I know your tricks, your graces,

the graves you dig.

I was all whole.

Until I stepped on your landmine.

Now I am pieces-

and learning to sew.

Before.

Someone comes along. They put a large band-aid on you. To help your wounds heal. That same person comes and rips it off. Then, when your wounds are worse, they come along and put a new band-aid on. Then, they start to pull that band-aid, slowly. One little piece at a time. So slow you can barely tell, except for a quiet throbbing. But finally, the last piece is removed and that someone disappears. Your wound is exposed. You are the same as before that person existed.

FLY

epiphany.

Why would I want to fit myself into someone else’s dream? Or force someone to take on mine? It either fits or it doesn’t. Jamming two puzzle pieces that look like they should go together doesn’t make them fit any better, and it ruins the picture. It also leaves those pieces out that do fit perfectly.

I can scream for you until my lungs give out.

I can long for you until my mind gives up.

I can reach for you until my arms collapse.

Wanting never breeds anything but disappointment.

Perhaps that’s for a reason.

Sure we could fall back into

easy love,

satisfied smiles and

cuddles

and

kisses so deep we fall through

the earth,

But-

My Lips were not enough

to hold you close,

My Thighs were not enough

to make you want to live in them,

My Laugh not enough

to make you picture forever,

My Love not enough

to make you stay.

Doing the same thing over and over

expecting different results

is not insanity.

It’s misery.

the end?

I think

I have to feel this salty, gritty

Unfeeling sort of feeling-

nothing feels right

And the pieces don’t line up

but I feel you slipping, slipping away

and it sort of feels good, like letting go

but it rubs against the skin like wool

Music that is incongruous to you

I find that I find myself not even

Missing you at all

Is this a letting go, love

Is this the end?

Can I wake up without you on my breath?

Will tomorrow be smooth at the edges?

I think I feel better.

I can leave you in that alley.

Leave you alone by the light of the moon.

Forget your name.

Think I’m finally coming home.

Alone.

another moment.

in the blue
stage-lights
a photograph in my mind
another moment in the collection.
two subjects
perfectly poised-
you, blissful and unaware
me, frozen and confused
and in that state,
forever passed-
a second, a minute, an hour, a year
no hearts beating.
no breath visible.
-here-
i can't get over
can't get around
can't get through
you.

Pseudonyms for sleep.

"I dream of you, to wake: would that I might 
Dream of you and not wake but slumber on; 
Nor find with dreams the dear companion gone, 
As, Summer ended, Summer birds take flight. 
In happy dreams I hold you full in night. 
I blush again who waking look so wan; 
Brighter than sunniest day that ever shone, 
In happy dreams your smile makes day of night. 
Thus only in a dream we are at one, 
Thus only in a dream we give and take 
The faith that maketh rich who take or give; 
If thus to sleep is sweeter than to wake, 
To die were surely sweeter than to live, 
Though there be nothing new beneath the sun." -Christina Rosetti


Though I chase the elusive idea of sleep, 
insomnia has been my constant friend for a month now.
I find myself online, buying melatonin.
I bought white sheets, because somewhere deep inside me, 
that soothes my tattered soul.
I bought gel pillows, like the kind hotels have, so I can
lay my head on them and make-believe I am somewhere else.
The new comforter comes tomorrow.
I'm trying to erase this sorrow.
I remember falling beside you at night, your arms around me for a bit,
then sleeping back to back, in a perfect cocoon of us. 
Waking up, making the bed, pulling everything military-tight, because
that is how you liked it. Placing the quilt in a diagonal to give
it life.
I remember the pillow you bought me because yours were too flat.
I fall into bed now. 
My pillows are fluffy.
My sheets are clean and white.
The air conditioner hums in the window.
All is quiet and dark.
A perfect summer scenario for sleeping.
So why then, does my brain illuminate those memories,
call forth your presence out of nothingness?
Sleep is elusive.
Oh, for a good dream of you, I would trade these sheets and pillows.
Turn back the clock.
Restore what once was mine.

It’s not just that you ended us.

You ended US. 
I lost my love and my best friend in 
one fell swoop. 
Things I wanted to share with you, 
Things that I saw you would enjoy. 
Rotting inside me. 
Because you were gone. 
I know I should move on and I'm trying. 
Still wake up crying because you're not there. 
Still miss you between heartbeats. 
I know you don't care 
and that should make this easier. 
But it just makes it harder. 

finding your wings.

Everyone should have their heart broken at least once in their lives. Not just broken, but obliterated. The kind of heartbreak that eclipses the sun, moon, and stars. The kind where this giant piece of you just decides to walk off into the sunset, without you, possibly taking some of your belongings with them.

There is no consolation for this kind of heartbreak. People will try, though. They will sit with you while you cry, supply booze and tissues and chocolate, make you go out and do fun things with them, and offer words of support and encouragement. None of this will penetrate the pain you feel, but you will be grateful for those people in your life. Heartbreak brings friends and family closer. They will live this awfulness with you.

You will feel as if time is dragging on, just an endless blur of days and nights. You will lose sight of things that are important to you because it just feels terrible opening your eyes every morning. You will descend into the depths of hell. You will think the darkest thoughts you’ve ever had in your life, ones that rival your teen angst years. In the moments when you are alone, your soul will feel as if it has been ripped away from the lining of your existence.

This kind of heartbreak lays you flat. It’s as if a tornado has torn through your life, creating a wide path of mass destruction. You won’t know how to function without this person in your life anymore. You’ll forget to eat. You’ll see their face everywhere you go. Every song, every car, every little thing will remind you of your loss. You will be certain of nothing. The future is hazy and scary and filled with things you never wanted. 

Then one day you will wake up, and the pain is a little less than it was before. You’ll rub your chest, and realize your heart is still beating. You haven’t been able to feel it up until now. You will close your eyes and realize you don’t remember as many details about their face, or their mannerisms. Slowly, painfully, your wings will start to unfurl. Then, one morning, you find a feather on your laptop, and you will realize there is still hope and good things in the world. This whole miserable process has forced you to grow and change. Heartbreak can be necessary sometimes for you to become the best version of yourself.