the end?

I think

I have to feel this salty, gritty

Unfeeling sort of feeling-

nothing feels right

And the pieces don’t line up

but I feel you slipping, slipping away

and it sort of feels good, like letting go

but it rubs against the skin like wool

Music that is incongruous to you

I find that I find myself not even

Missing you at all

Is this a letting go, love

Is this the end?

Can I wake up without you on my breath?

Will tomorrow be smooth at the edges?

I think I feel better.

I can leave you in that alley.

Leave you alone by the light of the moon.

Forget your name.

Think I’m finally coming home.

Alone.

Bibliophobia

Bibliophobia: n.
The fear of books

I hear the fluttering pages

Of a turn being told
Of a princess being saved
Or old castles in the cold

I flinch as one opens
The fear of being deprived

Of my friends in reality
As I forget I am alive

Too lost in the story to tell
Which world is real or ink

As into the book itself
I slowly begin to sink.

I'm startled as I wake up
The fear being too much

The librarian tells me be quiet
'Quiet now, hush hush'.

-Gray (not original owner)

another moment.

in the blue
stage-lights
a photograph in my mind
another moment in the collection.
two subjects
perfectly poised-
you, blissful and unaware
me, frozen and confused
and in that state,
forever passed-
a second, a minute, an hour, a year
no hearts beating.
no breath visible.
-here-
i can't get over
can't get around
can't get through
you.

Pseudonyms for sleep.

"I dream of you, to wake: would that I might 
Dream of you and not wake but slumber on; 
Nor find with dreams the dear companion gone, 
As, Summer ended, Summer birds take flight. 
In happy dreams I hold you full in night. 
I blush again who waking look so wan; 
Brighter than sunniest day that ever shone, 
In happy dreams your smile makes day of night. 
Thus only in a dream we are at one, 
Thus only in a dream we give and take 
The faith that maketh rich who take or give; 
If thus to sleep is sweeter than to wake, 
To die were surely sweeter than to live, 
Though there be nothing new beneath the sun." -Christina Rosetti


Though I chase the elusive idea of sleep, 
insomnia has been my constant friend for a month now.
I find myself online, buying melatonin.
I bought white sheets, because somewhere deep inside me, 
that soothes my tattered soul.
I bought gel pillows, like the kind hotels have, so I can
lay my head on them and make-believe I am somewhere else.
The new comforter comes tomorrow.
I'm trying to erase this sorrow.
I remember falling beside you at night, your arms around me for a bit,
then sleeping back to back, in a perfect cocoon of us. 
Waking up, making the bed, pulling everything military-tight, because
that is how you liked it. Placing the quilt in a diagonal to give
it life.
I remember the pillow you bought me because yours were too flat.
I fall into bed now. 
My pillows are fluffy.
My sheets are clean and white.
The air conditioner hums in the window.
All is quiet and dark.
A perfect summer scenario for sleeping.
So why then, does my brain illuminate those memories,
call forth your presence out of nothingness?
Sleep is elusive.
Oh, for a good dream of you, I would trade these sheets and pillows.
Turn back the clock.
Restore what once was mine.



It’s not just that you ended us. 

You ended US. 
I lost my love and my best friend in 
one fell swoop. 
Things I wanted to share with you, 
Things that I saw you would enjoy. 
Rotting inside me. 
Because you were gone. 
I know I should move on and I'm trying. 
Still wake up crying because you're not there. 
Still miss you between heartbeats. 
I know you don't care 
and that should make this easier. 
But it just makes it harder. 

update.

I have halted the heartbreak downward spiral.

Stepped on the scale yesterday to discover that I had gained 10 lbs. in the last month. Not terribly surprising, considering I have been spending my days floating in a pool of wine, single-handedly draining beer trucks, and eating my house's weight in pizza, breadsticks, and nachos.

So I made a decision. Enough is enough. Enough crying, enough drinking, enough lying around watching Netflix, enough watching the dishes pile to the ceiling, and enough going commando because the thousand pairs of underwear I have are all dirty. Enough waiting for the Earth to stop spinning for my grief.

So this morning, I got up, made myself some coffee, watched just a teeny bit of tv, did an intensive circuit of strength training, did two loads of laundry and a load of dishes. Whew! All before 8 am. I'm thinking I'm going to be okay. Maybe.

It's been a long time since I had my heart broken, so I forgot all of the crazy things you do and think. It's been an experience. And p.s.-people are the worst at this sort of thing. They say really, really, really stupid shit like, "Do you think you guys will get back together?" or "Oh you'll be fine. Plenty of fish!" or "Well, you knew it was inevitable. I don't understand why you're so upset." I know to be human is to err, but have some sensitivity. If I don't volunteer the information, you don't need to ask or comment. Just be there to listen. Period.

In other news, my little rat baby of a cat is anxiously awaiting her backyard play tunnel. She has taken to climbing the screen slider while I'm outside, in case I forget that she is there, inside.

moving on.

I move through life
every day
on autopilot
I make coffee, sit down at my laptop,
work on schoolwork for awhile,
play my music, smile in the sunshine.
I see friends and go on hikes
I go out at night, kiss a man that isn't you
Sleep with a man that isn't you
He laughs at my jokes, tries to heal this gaping wound the best he can.
I am grateful for all this.
But I want to be okay again.
Tell me how to forget.
How to stop feeling your ghost.
I want to sleep through the night again.
I want to not think of you anymore.
I want my heart back.

finding your wings.

Everyone should have their heart broken at least once in their lives. Not just broken, but obliterated. The kind of heartbreak that eclipses the sun, moon, and stars. The kind where this giant piece of you just decides to walk off into the sunset, without you, possibly taking some of your belongings with them.

There is no consolation for this kind of heartbreak. People will try, though. They will sit with you while you cry, supply booze and tissues and chocolate, make you go out and do fun things with them, and offer words of support and encouragement. None of this will penetrate the pain you feel, but you will be grateful for those people in your life. Heartbreak brings friends and family closer. They will live this awfulness with you.

You will feel as if time is dragging on, just an endless blur of days and nights. You will lose sight of things that are important to you because it just feels terrible opening your eyes every morning. You will descend into the depths of hell. You will think the darkest thoughts you’ve ever had in your life, ones that rival your teen angst years. In the moments when you are alone, your soul will feel as if it has been ripped away from the lining of your existence.

This kind of heartbreak lays you flat. It’s as if a tornado has torn through your life, creating a wide path of mass destruction. You won’t know how to function without this person in your life anymore. You’ll forget to eat. You’ll see their face everywhere you go. Every song, every car, every little thing will remind you of your loss. You will be certain of nothing. The future is hazy and scary and filled with things you never wanted. IMG_0037

Then one day you will wake up, and the pain is a little less than it was before. You’ll rub your chest, and realize your heart is still beating. You haven’t been able to feel it up until now. You will close your eyes and realize you don’t remember as many details about their face, or their mannerisms. Slowly, painfully, your wings will start to unfurl. Then, one morning, you find a feather on your laptop, and you will realize there is still hope and good things in the world. This whole miserable process has forced you to grow and change. Heartbreak can be necessary sometimes for you to become the best version of yourself.

funeral. 

The loss of you is acute:

fingertips numb,

sense of time distortion.

My brain knows you are still alive-

still moving through your daily life

But inside my heart

You have died. 

I move through your funeral inside the 

house of my body,

I see you laid out, unmoving with eyes 

closed

Lightning flash and you are twisting 

beneath the sheets,

You are smiling on the couch,

resting your hands on my inner thigh,

Cat-calling me as I walk down your

apartment stairs

Another flash,

And there you are in a suit, stiff and still

with coffin walls to contain your spirit-

Just me to sit and wait 

Wondering what the priest inside me has 

to say,

What comfort he will bring. 

That lightning flash,

and you are grinning in my driveway,

opening my door,

kissing my lips like you’ve never kissed 

another

The loss of you is omnipresent,

You have died 

And I cannot resurrect you.  

time here

You made my earth spin on its axis,

I didn’t bother to count the revolutions. 

We went round and round

I could walk up tall without fear of falling down

But when you left

My world stopped spinning

I am in stasis-

Everything seems flat, nothing spins,

At all. 

The sun rises and sets

So I know it must be moving

But inside I live the same day

Over and over

This must be a flat earth

Because I’m no longer spinning,

No longer moving at all

And I have to wonder, is the time here

The same as the time where you are?

Have you stopped spinning?

Does the world look flat to you?

Is where you are, spinning with stars?

Do you feel the ground move beneath you?

Because I’m stuck here. 

Unmoving. 

Waiting for the world to restart its revolutions.